The Two-Second Review: What's Playing in New Lenox, Orland and Country Club Hills, Sept. 29-Oct. 6

Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its official website, made by people who actually have seen the movie. The theater names will show you the times a movie is playing. If 3D isn't specified, the movie is 2D.

NEW MOVIES:

50/50
Joseph Gordon-Levitt shaves his head so co-star Seth Rogen looks less ugly by comparison. And there's some story about dealing with cancer. But we're pretty sure it's mostly about the head shaving after watching the trailer. Rated R. 99 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16  

Courageous
This cop drama is the fourth movie produced by Sherwood Pictures, the filmmaking arm of Sherwood Baptist Church in Georgia. I don't have anything funny to say about that. I'm just fascinated that a church has its own movie studio. Rated PG-13. Running time not available.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema 

Dream House
This is the horror film where stars Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz decided they'd make a good celebrity couple and got married shortly after. How come they didn't end up with a cute couple name like Brangelina? Did no one suggest Danchel? Raniel? Or my favorite, Weiszel? Rated PG-13. 92 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

What's Your Number?
Oh, Anna Farris, your husband, Chris Pratt, stars in Moneyball, while you're starring in this horrendous-looking piece of tripe. You're husband appears in the hilarious Parks & Recreation, while you had a guest stint on thankfully-it's-off-the air Entourage. Maybe you should have hubby pick out your roles from now on. (Yes, Pratt is in What's Your Number, too, but I'm ignoring that so I can make a lame joke.) Rated R. 106 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

NOT-AS-NEW MOVIES:

Abduction
The werewolf guy from the Twilight trailers finds out the people he thinks are his parents aren't. Then secret agent-looking guys start trying to kill him. Rated PG-13. 106 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

Colombiana
Zoe Saldana witnesses her parents' murder as a young child and becomes a professional assassin out for revenge (as opposed to becoming Batman). Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Country Club Hills 16 

Contagion
This Matt Damon thriller features . Rated PG-13. 105 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16
Playing in IMAX at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

Crazy Stupid Love
Emma Stone is the most recent winner of the secret Hollywood drawing wherein she appears in every third movie for about three years, then disappears entirely. It's called the "Seth Rogen Lottery." Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

Dolphin Tale
Based solely on the trailer, this is either the heartwarming true story of Winter, a dolphin fitted with a prosthetic tail, or it's a taut psychological thriller about a young boy who hallucinates that his every action is accompanied by piano music and Morgan Freeman narration. Winter plays herself, which is too cool to make fun of. Rated PG. 112 minutes.
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

Drive
Indie darlings Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan star in this ... explosion-packed action flick about a getaway driver ... with Bryan Cranston and ... Albert Brooks??? THIS CAST MAKES NO SENSE! Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Fast Five: The IMAX Experience
Fun fact: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's biceps appear actual size on an IMAX screen. Rated PG-13. 130 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16 

The Help
I looked at the site and saw "extraordinary women," "unlikely friendship" and "the South in the 1960s." I picture a lot of scenes of people crying and a lot of Golden Globe wins. Also, Emma Stone. Rated PG-13. 137 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

I Don't Know How She Does It
Sarah Jessica Parker balances a perfect husband, adorable kids and an amazing job. For people interested in more realistic movies than this, Star Trek is back in theaters. Rated PG-13. 95 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

Inception: The IMAX Experience
For all of you fretting over the prospect of a bald Joseph Gordon-Levitt, now you can check out a perfectly coiffed JGL. On an IMAX screen, no less. And for those of you who think he can't get any dreamier, then you haven't seen him cover Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance." (FYI, this clip is NSFW because of some bad language.) Rated PG-13. 148 minutes. 
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

The Lion King
The Lion King in 3D. Parents, you now have leverage. "Oh yes you are eating that broccoli or else we're staying home tonight." Two weeks only. Rated G. 89 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Orland Park Cinema  
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain
This show of comedian Kevin Hart's comedy tour is only playing at select AMC theaters. Not rated. 88 minutes.
Playing at: Country Club Hills 16

Killer Elite
Jason Statham, Clive Owen and Robert De Niro star in this 'splosion-packed adaptation of much less cool-titled book The Feather Men. Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Moneyball
Whooo! Sabermetrics 4EVA! Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill in this biopic about Billy Beane's new approach to baseball scouting and his attempt to put together a winning team at a fraction of the cost (but possibly ruining baseball forever). Rated PG-13. 126 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
They kept roles for the original Spy Kids, not just discarding them for the new, younger kids like so much Macauley Culkin. Good for you, Robert Rodriguez. Rated PG. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Country Club Hills 16

Star Trek: The IMAX Experience
This is the J.J. Abrams reimagining, not the theatrical release from last century. Filmmaking technology has yet to figure out how to capture the majesty of William Shatner's toupee in the IMAX format. Rated PG-13. 126 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

Straw Dogs
A remake of the 1971 Sam Peckinpah film about a timid man turning to violence when his wife is attacked by rural folk. I guess it wouldn't be much of a movie if they just left, called the police on the villains and went into therapy. Rated R. 105 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

Warrior
Tom Hardy plays an MMA fighter in training and ... you know what? He's going to be Bane. Tom Hardy is going to play Bane in the next Batman movie and, for me, anything he or any of the Dark Knight Rises cast does until then is just a teaser trailer. Rated PG-13. 139 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema